Tuesday, June 23, 2009

The 2 Month Mark

Yesterday marked the day that my son had been gone for 2 months. I found this to be a very difficult day. I had a wealth of emotions from deep sadness to joy and anger and everything in between. My family and I did not go to his gravesite because that is just too hard to do. We had gone the day before on fathers day to bring him flowers and two days in a row is just too much for me. My poor boyfriend had his holiday overshadowed by the 2 month anniversary of our sons death. I can honestly say I know how he feels. At least God didn't single out just one member of my family when it came to ruining their days. My son was bornstill two days before my oldests birthday, was due four days after mine and the day before my fathers, and on a day of the month that will always fall close to fathers day and my boyfriends birthday.

We honestly had a pretty great day Fathers day all things considered. We went on a trip to Alexandria Bay and took a boat tour. We ended up at Boldt Castle and that was amazing. I have to admit it all felt a little strange because had Christian made it we probably would not have been able to do all the things we did. Don't get me wrong I loved our trip but I gladly would have given it all up to have my baby boy.

It has been 2 months since that fateful day and I am starting to feel the loneliness that others have referred to. It is becoming clear that people feel it is time for me to start moving on. And truthfully I tell them that I am. I just can't stand being looked at like I am crazy or that I might fall apart at any given moment. Emotions have never been my strong suit. I am not good at them and now I feel like I am being thrust into a world filled with them. Everyone has different expectations for the way I should be right now and that is very hard to deal with. The experts say I should still be deeply grieving but society says pick up your chin and get back on your feet. For a person that does not like to let anyone down this grieving process is actually very confusing!

I just wish I had more people that understood what I was going through. People that weren't going to think I was a little nutty when I obsessed over yellow leaves on my sons plant. People that understood that I loved this baby even if they thought I was dumb for getting pregnant again. People that didn't think my baby's death was a blessing in disguise. Maybe I will try a support group.

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