Wednesday, July 8, 2009

The days can be so difficult.....

I have been having a tough time lately. I miss Christian so much and have been coming to terms with the fact that I am never gonna be able to hold him again. I mean I guess this should seem so logical and abvious that I will never get to do anything with him again....but it is still hard to deal with. I still am having a hard time wrapping my brain around the fact that I reached out for support and was shut out by people who were supposed to understand and be sympathetic to my feelings and situation. I don't know why I am so surprised this seems to be the norm for my life. I guess I just can't believe how people can be so heartless.

Well now I have a whole new set of things on my mind. On Sunday I took a home pregnancy test and it came back positive. I am so scared. I am really afraid I might die. I know how over dramatic that might sound but I really am scared to death about it. I do not want my poor little Joey to grow up without a mommy just because I needed to have another baby. I should have waited longer but I didn't. I feel like I am being so selfish. A firend that is a midwife says not to worry but I just can't help it.

I also worry that I will forget Christian. I know he was my baby but I am terrified to 'replace' him. I feel like I do not grieve him like others grieve their babies and it brings about a great deal of guilt. I have not let my sadness and grief consume me. I do not do the balloon releases or the sand writing or any of it. I do go and put flowers on his grave from time to time but is it enough? Does the fact that I don't do more mean I love him less than others loved their babies? Does it mean that I was somehow happy that he didn't come home? I doubt that I have any happy feelings about his death but I worry and wonder why I don't do more. Does it make me a bad person or just different?

He would be almost 2 months old today. He would just be learning to smile and that is the first true milestone that all parents just can't wait for. Their is something magical about a babies smile. SOmething about a babies smile that can just make you feel like the world is not evil. He will never smile. Or at least I won't get to see them for a long long time. If ever. And if I do get to see him smile someday will he still be a baby or will he be all grown up? Will he get to live out his life as if he were on earth or is he stuck forever the way he was? All these questions are just too much for me. I will never have an answer. That is what I think is the most unfair.

I miss my little one everyday. Hopefully someday I will get to meet him. And hopefully until then my ancestors are keeping him safe and sound and loving him until I can.

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