Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Sometimes I feel like I am doing a great deal better and other times I feel like I am right back at the beginning. The other day we went to the cemetary to visit our Christian, to check on his flowers and my son was very upset. He just kept saying I miss my baby brother and to see my baby brother we have to go to a grave....a grave. He should not be having to visit a grave to see his baby brother. He should be able to help me feed him and play peek-a-boo with him. Do you know how it feels to have your 4 year old tell you he wants to go the grave so he can talk to his baby brother? Cause I do. It feels like all the air in the world is being sucked up by someone or something that is not you. Like there is none left for you to breathe.

I miss my baby boy. Why couldn't he get a chance to come home? Will I ever get an answer? How can so many other people be sure that their angels are playing in heaven? I am sure that if there is a heaven my baby is there. And if for no other reason than fear that I will never see my son again I hope with all my heart that there really is a heaven. Do you know what it feels like to have to believe? To have to know that something is real even though you have never seen it? I do. If I did not allow myself to believe there was a heaven then I don't think I could make it through the days. I miss my baby boy. The days that doubt of an afterlife creep in is when the fear is the worst.

I fear that God will punigh me for my doubt and that there really is a heaven but I won't be allowed in. Do you know how it feels to think you will not get into heaven when one of your most precious gifts will be there? I do. I think that would truly be my Hell knowing that my baby was just beyond the gates and I could not enter.

Tomorrow it will be exactly three months since I heard the earth shattering news. Three months since the earth swallowed my happiness and sanity. I try really hard in my day to day to regain strength and somedays I am successful. Others however I just am not. I wish I could hold him just one more time. I wish I could see him just one more time. I wish I could have heard him cry just one time. To those out there that have told me that losing him before I had him must be easier than those who have lost children they raised and loved....I tell you now it is not. I would have given almost anything to hear his cry. I will never know that sound. I will never know one expression from his face. I will never know what he would ahve liked or disliked. I will never have a chance to appologize for being upset with him for making me so sick the whole time I was pregnant. For this I will always feel guilty. I hope he knows how much I truly loved him. I hope he knows I was not ever truly angry with him.

Until the day we meet again in my heart is where I'll keep you.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

The days can be so difficult.....

I have been having a tough time lately. I miss Christian so much and have been coming to terms with the fact that I am never gonna be able to hold him again. I mean I guess this should seem so logical and abvious that I will never get to do anything with him again....but it is still hard to deal with. I still am having a hard time wrapping my brain around the fact that I reached out for support and was shut out by people who were supposed to understand and be sympathetic to my feelings and situation. I don't know why I am so surprised this seems to be the norm for my life. I guess I just can't believe how people can be so heartless.

Well now I have a whole new set of things on my mind. On Sunday I took a home pregnancy test and it came back positive. I am so scared. I am really afraid I might die. I know how over dramatic that might sound but I really am scared to death about it. I do not want my poor little Joey to grow up without a mommy just because I needed to have another baby. I should have waited longer but I didn't. I feel like I am being so selfish. A firend that is a midwife says not to worry but I just can't help it.

I also worry that I will forget Christian. I know he was my baby but I am terrified to 'replace' him. I feel like I do not grieve him like others grieve their babies and it brings about a great deal of guilt. I have not let my sadness and grief consume me. I do not do the balloon releases or the sand writing or any of it. I do go and put flowers on his grave from time to time but is it enough? Does the fact that I don't do more mean I love him less than others loved their babies? Does it mean that I was somehow happy that he didn't come home? I doubt that I have any happy feelings about his death but I worry and wonder why I don't do more. Does it make me a bad person or just different?

He would be almost 2 months old today. He would just be learning to smile and that is the first true milestone that all parents just can't wait for. Their is something magical about a babies smile. SOmething about a babies smile that can just make you feel like the world is not evil. He will never smile. Or at least I won't get to see them for a long long time. If ever. And if I do get to see him smile someday will he still be a baby or will he be all grown up? Will he get to live out his life as if he were on earth or is he stuck forever the way he was? All these questions are just too much for me. I will never have an answer. That is what I think is the most unfair.

I miss my little one everyday. Hopefully someday I will get to meet him. And hopefully until then my ancestors are keeping him safe and sound and loving him until I can.