Wednesday, June 10, 2009

I will never forget the day Christian was born. It was the worst day of my life. What was supposed to be one of the best days of my life was ripped away. I was supposed to be introducing my little boy to his baby brother not explaining that our baby had to go to heaven. I hope there is a heaven. I really want a chance to see my baby. what will he be like? will he stay the same and be a baby forever? or will he grow up?

I will never forget the day that changed my families lives forever. He was just so tiny 5lbs 6oz. The time it took to prep me for his delivery seemed to last forever. The same doctor that handled my first miscarriage was there to deliver this baby. I felt so bad for her. She only has been able to share in my misery. How awful. They prepped me for the surgery as best they could. Talked a little about my "options" encouraged me to see him. Filled out the fetal death certificate. How strange. They tried to do it casually just asking questions to fill in the blanks. Never telling us what they were doing. I guess they thought I didn't want to know but I did. I wanted to know everything it was all I would have. This day. The memories created on this day.

He had blue eyes. I peeked. Just like me and his brother. He had his fathers fingers and nose. He looked just like his daddy. Just like his brother. But he had so much dark hair. Probably what caused all the heartburn. It seemed to take forever for them to get to him. to get him out.

Back in the recovery room it felt so strange not to be pregnant. I was pregnant for so long now I wasn't but no baby. The delivering doctor came in to see how I was doing. I think she was worried that I wasn't crying she hadn't seen me cry. She told me it was okay to show emotion but I was just kinda numb. I didn't want to feel. The birth of your child is suppose to be joyous not devastating. Here I was in recovery with no baby. I just wanted my baby back.

Back to my room so many decisions. Do you want to see the baby? Not really I don't want to look at my poor baby so lifeless so cold. But I don't want to miss my only chance to hold him to kiss him to tell him I love him. So many conflicting emotions. I am glad I saw him I am glad his father and my mother saw him too. It made it more real. He was so tiny so fraile. I was scared to hold him I was afraid I wouldn't want to let him go. I didn't want to let him go. I waswn't supposed to be doing this.

I want to try again but I am terrified. I don't ever want to have to do this again. I don't want to belong to this club. I am sorry for everyone who has to belong to this club.

1 comment:

  1. Your words touch me deeply, down into the pit of my soul where I try to hide all my grief. Thank you for sharing your emotions with me.

    Thinking of you~~