I had to have a c-section. I had a c-section with my first son and they won't induce after a c-section. I remember them telling me to hold still and relax. How could I relax? They were about to deliver my precious baby boy... only there would be no cry this time. I remember holding my breath when his brother was born waiting for the cry. The sign that everything was fine and he was here. Strangely I found my self holding my breath this time too. Only this time I was waiting for the cry that said the doctors were wrong it was all a mistake. I heard a nurse comment that he hadn't cried maybe they were hoping too.
I got the needle and instantly my feet went numb. My whole body went numb. It wasn't like that last time. I wonder now if they were trying to be kind and really make sure I didn't feel a thing. How were they to know I was already numb. Right down to the depths of my soul. They had offered to put me to sleep. Once again trying to save me from the pain but I declined. I wanted to remember. I wasn't sure I wanted to see him I wasn't sure I could handle that. But I wanted to remember his birth.
It was all so surreal. I wasn't supposed to be there not yet. It seemed to take forever. When my first son was born it all went so fast. This seemed to take an eternity. I couldn't feel a thing. Also different than the first time. The only thing I felt this time was emptiness when they took him from me. They brought him to the warmer and asked me if they could baptize him. I said yes. They asked if I would like to hold him. I said no. I didn't want to see him. I didn't want to face the fact that I had failed. I failed to protect my baby while he was in me. I caught a glimpse of him as they wheeled me out. My heart sunk.
The whole time we were in there it felt like it was never going to end. They made his father wait in the hall until I was completely prepped and draped. I could see him from the window and he looked horrified. He hadn't wanted to leave my side. Finally they were done and they let him in. The doctor took a moment to get in the room. That poor doctor. Again. This time was different though. No hemorrhaging, no race against time. I was in no physical danger. This time my baby was just dead.
I noticed everything in that room this time. It was so cold. There were so many noises. I felt sick. I got sick. They gave me something to stop the vomitting. Suddenly I noticed the monitors. My blood pressure was so high. A result of the meds. I saw the pump that drained my abdominal cavity of the blood. I noticed everything around me. There was no reason to focus on the surgery. I welcomed the distractions that I missed the first time.
Suddenly they were done he was here. The distractions faded away. I was thrust back into the reality I so desperately wanted to escape. It was real. He was here and he did not cry. It was so silent in that room despite all the noise. The only thing I could hear was silence. His silence.