Friday, June 19, 2009

All My Nurses...

I loved most of my nurses. My nurses at the hospital and the ones at my office. There was this one nurse at my OBs office that always loved to play with my oldest. Her name is Jesse. It got to the point that whenever we would go in there my son would ask for her. She would race with him. To the back of the hall. To the bathroom. To the exam room. Most of the time he won. I really liked her. That was the nurse that called me back to the room that day. She was the first one to try and locate a heartbeat on the NST.

I heard something when she was poking around but I knew it wasn't his heart. It was way too slow. That is when she called in the other nurse. I guess it should have sunk in then that something was seriously wrong but denial is a powerful thing. I saw the look of concern on her face but I just didn't want to believe it. April was the next nurse to come in. She tried for what felt like an eternity to find a heartbeat. Nothing. Only mine. She asked where they normally found it and I told her she was in the right spot. Then she said we needed to get an ultrasound tech. I should have known. I did know.

They must be trained to lie. She told me maybe the placenta was just in the way but I could see by the look on her face that this was not the case. I just didn't want to believe. The ultrasound tech came in and took me over to take a look. Like I have said before there was a flatline. I hoped that the baby was just being difficult. But the minute she said let me get your boyfriend I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was gone. It was no mistake. He wsn't in a funny position like she agreed to. She came back with him and the doctor. How did I manage to not lose it before the fateful words. Those words came crashing down. "Laurie I'm so sorry but he didn't make it." Those cruel words crushed me. It felt like those words brought down the entire weight of the world right on top of me. I cried harder than I have ever cried in my whole life. Somehow I managed to dial my mothers work number so my boyfriend coud tell her what happened. I could not talk. I could barely breathe.

April was the nurse that brought me to another exam room where I could talk more to the doctor. Where I could cry and breakdown. Where I could gather myself and figure out what to do next. I was so scared. I was scared to hemmorhage again. I was afraid to leave in such a state and scare the other patients in the waiting room. They were all there all still pregnant. They did not need to be scared that something was going to happen to their babies. They offered to let me leave out the back door but I managed to get it together long enough to leave the way I had come in. I cried almost the whole way home.

I had a nurse in the hospital that was awesome. Her name was Maryann. She was so kind so gentle. She oh so gently pushed me to do the things that were right. She did not push me to do more than I thought I was ready for and just made suggestions. She explained things and allowed me to do things in my own time. She is the one I credit with getting me to see my son. I owe her more than words can express. This is the most valuable thing I have from this experience. Those few moments I had with my son. Maryann is also the woman who put together my memory box. She is the one that told me about Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. for this I can not thank her enough.

My night nurses were great to. I had a nurse named Zoey that was always there to listen and ready to get anything I or my family needed. She checked in on me with kindness. She encouraged me to talk and get my feelings out. Something I was not really ready to do. I also had a nurse named Gretchen. This woman was also great. Very caring and understanding. She also did not push. This is the woman that gave me my invaluable photographs of my precious baby boy. I also can not find strong enough words to show my gratitude to this woman.

I can not thank these women enough for being there for me through my darkest days. To them I will be eternally grateful. I find it strange that I remember each and every one of these nurses when I did not remember Joey's nurses. Its funny how the mind works in times like these.

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