Tuesday, June 16, 2009

I have had little ambition to sit down and write lately. I think I am experiencing a little bit of shutting down lately. I often find myself stuffing down the hurt feelings as far as they can go. This is something I have done my whole life but lately it bothers me. I want to feel, I should feel, I need to feel. I feel like I could cry every moment of every day but I just can't cry. I am afraid I guess that the people around me will worry too much. I am afraid that I will make them fell like I do somehow and you see no one should have to feel that way.

I was talking with my boyfriend the other night and he shared with me a conversation he had with his grandfather. His grandfathers girlfriend lost a baby exactly the same way we lost Christian. I asked him if Claire still thinks about her baby. I was wondering if after all this time it still hurt her. He told me yes. I was kinda hoping against hope that he said no. I would like for this dead feeling to sometime go away. I know that sounds terrible because the minute I think it or say it I feel guilty. If that feeling were to go away I guess I would feel like it meant I loved my baby less. I will never stop loving him I just wish when I thought of him I could smile and not ache.

We went to the funeral home where his services were held to pick out his grave marker. I thought it felt kinda morbid. There I was shopping for my baby but I wasn't buying clothes or diapers or toys or anything else a typical mother would be buying. I was buying a tombstone. He has been gone for almost 8 weeks now and all of a sudden it is really bothering me that he does not have a proper grave marker. I don't know why it is bothering me so much. I just feel like he deserves a marker. He deserves to recognized.

We went on memorial day and set flowers on his grave. This is something I do with my grandmother each year. We go and make the "rounds". You see there are lots of family members in the cemetery he is in. In fact he is buried with my grandfather and in between an aunt and uncle. Someday my grandmother will be there with him also. I guess this should make me feel better because he is surrounded by people that would have loved him almost as much as I do but it doesn't. I want him with me. I wish now that he could have been buried with me but to do that I would have had to have him cremated and I just couldn't do that. The thought horrified me.

My boyfriend and I went to his grave yesterday to look at my grandfathers headstone and try to get an idea of what color it was. while we were there I saw the flowers I had left for my son. I wanted to take them home and plant them in my mothers garden next to his other flowers . This was not possible however because they were dead. This really upset me it didn't help that the second pot was totally destroyed. I t appeared that the groundskeeper had run them over with his lawnmower. This made me extremely angry. How could they be so careless. Do they not know how important these things are to people?

Yesterday was just a really hard day. All I can do for my baby now is buy him grave marker. I can only go and tend to his grave. I can never hug him or kiss him or make him feel better when he is sad. I can never tell him everything will be okay when he is scared. I just hope that whatever reason God had for taking my baby back to heaven was important. It makes it a little easier to think that I was chosen to carry an angel. I guess if I think that he wasn't really mine to keep it makes it a little easier.

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