Sometimes I feel like I am doing a great deal better and other times I feel like I am right back at the beginning. The other day we went to the cemetary to visit our Christian, to check on his flowers and my son was very upset. He just kept saying I miss my baby brother and to see my baby brother we have to go to a grave....a grave. He should not be having to visit a grave to see his baby brother. He should be able to help me feed him and play peek-a-boo with him. Do you know how it feels to have your 4 year old tell you he wants to go the grave so he can talk to his baby brother? Cause I do. It feels like all the air in the world is being sucked up by someone or something that is not you. Like there is none left for you to breathe.
I miss my baby boy. Why couldn't he get a chance to come home? Will I ever get an answer? How can so many other people be sure that their angels are playing in heaven? I am sure that if there is a heaven my baby is there. And if for no other reason than fear that I will never see my son again I hope with all my heart that there really is a heaven. Do you know what it feels like to have to believe? To have to know that something is real even though you have never seen it? I do. If I did not allow myself to believe there was a heaven then I don't think I could make it through the days. I miss my baby boy. The days that doubt of an afterlife creep in is when the fear is the worst.
I fear that God will punigh me for my doubt and that there really is a heaven but I won't be allowed in. Do you know how it feels to think you will not get into heaven when one of your most precious gifts will be there? I do. I think that would truly be my Hell knowing that my baby was just beyond the gates and I could not enter.
Tomorrow it will be exactly three months since I heard the earth shattering news. Three months since the earth swallowed my happiness and sanity. I try really hard in my day to day to regain strength and somedays I am successful. Others however I just am not. I wish I could hold him just one more time. I wish I could see him just one more time. I wish I could have heard him cry just one time. To those out there that have told me that losing him before I had him must be easier than those who have lost children they raised and loved....I tell you now it is not. I would have given almost anything to hear his cry. I will never know that sound. I will never know one expression from his face. I will never know what he would ahve liked or disliked. I will never have a chance to appologize for being upset with him for making me so sick the whole time I was pregnant. For this I will always feel guilty. I hope he knows how much I truly loved him. I hope he knows I was not ever truly angry with him.
Until the day we meet again in my heart is where I'll keep you.