Wednesday, September 16, 2009

When does it become OK?

I was wondering when it becomes ok to start to feel better again? I feel kinda guilty that I am coping so well with the loss of my son. Don't get me wrong I miss him everyday and I think about him constantly, I also cry more now than ever. But I have refused to let this loss destroy my life. Does that somehow make me heartless? Does this make my loss somehow less than others.
We bought Christians headstone. It has been in for a while now and I have been there to look at it. I hate where it is I think it should be closer to him not the person in the grave ahead of his. I have told my online "support" community that I would post a picture of it but I have been unable to bring myself to go do it. Why can I not go take the picture and show it off? Am I puting too much energy into not letting this "get" to me?
I feel like I have shut down quite a bit. I have a harder time having a genuinely good time doing anything. I spend hours of my day on the computer to distract myself from any real thought. I honestly just miss my baby. I am having another one and have wondered if I will be able to love this baby or if I will somehow resent them because had their brother lived they would definitely not be here. I know that I will love this baby but I still have wondered.
Christian did have a profound effect on his family however brief his life was. I feel like sometimes God sent him to us to help bring our family back together. I thank God for that I also thank him everyday for blessing me with Christian for as long as he did. I wish that he would give me the strength and courage that I need now to tell my family of this baby. I feel like Christian was sent here to teach me some lessons and I know now what they were but am unable to carry out the benefit of all those lessons.
I miss you baby boy and mommy is trying to be the better person that I should be. I want you to tell God something for me. Please tell him I am no longer angry with him for taking you and that I am grateful for having gotten to carry you for as long as I did. I love you so much.

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