On April 22nd 2009 my son Christian was brought into this world but never took a breath. I was scheduled for a c-section on May 15th just 3 weeks away. But God had other plans. I am not so sure why he took my little boy and it really bothers me. I guess I should consider myself fortunate to know that there was an apparent cause. My little acrobat tied a knot in his cord. I have done some reading and apparently there are signs like hiccups and a lot of movement in the evening both of which he did. i guess poor nutrition can help aid to this as well and well I guess that was a problem too.

Let me start at the beginning.

Christian is my second son and pregnancy is anything but easy for me. This pregnancy was awful and for a long while I did not let myself get attached to him. I had after all had a miscarriage at 13 weeks before and I was having some complications with this pregnancy. I found out I was pregnant relatively early, I was only 3 weeks, and by week 6 I was in the ER with dehydration. I had my first ultrasound at 7 weeks when I was back in the ER for dehydration due to lack of being able to keep anything down. This is when they discovered the bleed in utero. they said it was minor and that it was probably the reason I was so sick. After all I am rh negative. I had my first checkup at 9 weeks and another ultrasound and lots of blood work. the bleed was still there my doctor said it was in God's hands. So of course I expected the worst and prayed for the best. At 11 weeks another ultrasound the bleed had corrected itself I could finally breath. Then I woke in the middle of the night in excruciating pain. Back to the ER. I was admitted for an infected kidney stone and kept for two days until it passed. This is where I met the doctor whose practice I switched to. I told him how sick I had been and how i could not eat or drink anything without puking my guts out. He asked me what my doc was doing for me and I said just waiting to see. By the way I had already lost about 5 pounds from all the vommiting. He told me I had Hyperemesis and to make an appointment with him and he would get me taken care of. Well the day after I was discharged from the hospital I was back up in the hospital getting more fluids and they set me up with 24 hour IV fluids at home. About a month later I wa able to come off them. But I never felt well the whole time I could barely eat without feeling extremely nauseous and the heartburn oh my.

This pregnancy was awful and a few times I just wished it would be over. I lost a total of 10 pounds before I started to gain I was weekly up until 17 weeks and then everyother week until i was about23 weeks. I had to due the second glucose test because something went wrong with the first one and my blood sugar dropped so low that I nearly fainted by the end of the second test. I just wanted my baby. I wanted this pregnancy to be over and the joy of my little one to begin. I knew once he got here none of the rest of this would matter anymore.

My 35 week checkup was on a Wednesday and that Sunday I had a nightmare that at the appointment there was no heartbeat. I was so nervous in the room but he got out the doppler and everything was fine. His heartbeat wasn't really strong but it was there. It never had been very loud. I worried about this the whole time but they all assured me it was fine. When I heard that heartbeat I thought everything would be fine. It was just a dream and I was being silly.

Then week 36 arrived and I went to dinner with my grandmother and after I ate I thought it was a little strange that Christian had not moved. But I chalked it up to the fact that he must not like what I had eaten. This was not abnormal. We went to bed like normal and I was really tired so I guess I did not feel him move at his usual time but I never realized it until I woke up at 6 the next morning. He still was not moving. This was not normal. Thinking back I wasn't sure he moved most of Tuesday either. But I had been very busy cleaning and moving a lot maybe he was just lulled to sleep by my constant movement. You never want to think the worst. You try to justify. I tried everything I drank juice, I ate toaster streudels I thought the sugar will get him moving. I tried poking at him but he just floated up. That was not normal he should have flitted away. He always flitted away. He was shy.

I called my boyfriend and made him come to the doctors with me I had all my daycare kids. He sat in the waiting room as they hooked me up to the nonstress machine. They couldn't find his heartbeat. Over to ultrasound. A flatline. I tried to pretend he was just in a funny position. They got my boyfriend and the doctor. I'm sorry he's gone. Then the tears and the decisions. The doctor wanted me to wait a day or two to have him. I couldn't. He had to come now.