I had a really great team of nurses when I was at the hospital. They were all very understanding. I guess I was lucky in that respect. They explained all the things I was able to do with my son. They encouraged me and his father to see him. This is something I will be forever grateful for. We were not going to see him. I was not sure I could handle that. I don't do well with death and this was supposed to be MY baby. I was not sure I could handle seeing my baby lifeless. I am glad I did. The nurses all told me I would be glad that I saw him and I am.

He was so tiny. I still can't get over how tiny he was. His lips were so red. I wondered if that was normal. His skin was so blue. They said he had gone within the last 24 hours. They couldn't even clean him up. That part really bothered me. My baby couldn't even be cleaned up. Why couldn't they at least clean him. I don't know why this bothers me so much. It just kinda does I guess I just think babies should be clean. They explained to me that in my state your are not allowed to clean them up.

The night he passed my son spent the night at my uncles house. My mother came back up to the hospital and me, her, and Christians father got to spend a little time with him. His father kissed him but I didn't have the courage. I was afraid if I held him too long I wouldn't give him back. So I only held him briefly that night. My mother even held him. She was the only one we shared him with. Somehow I think he should be private. A gift for only me to know. I don't want to share him with everyone. I am selfish I want him to be all mine. I only got to spend a brief moment of time with him I don't want to share him.

The following morning I saw him while I was alone. I talked to him and hugged him. I looked over his whole body from head to toe. He had his brothers feet and fingers. Someday I will tell him how much they looked alike. I was sure I wrapped him back up in his blanket perfectly. He was so fraile that I felt like I was going to break him. I had to keep him safe. I didn't want to hurt him. He had been hurt enough. I wasn't sure if he felt pain when he died and I didn't want to hurt him now.

I hope God knows how much I would have loved my little boy.